True Patriots Live with Less

By Candi C. Lope |  FurReal News Special Report

---

In a bold move to protect our orchards from foreign rot, Supreme Leader King Don has imposed a 145% tariff on all citrus imports from the Eastern Groves. This decisive action ensures that our fruitizens consume only the most patriotic produce.

Commerce Czar Howard Lootnest assures us that these tariffs will not affect the average fruitizen. "Foreign growers will bear the cost," he declared, sipping on a domestically-sourced orange smoothie.

Treasury Secretary Scotch Bentspend echoed this sentiment, stating that the tariffs are a necessary step to reset our trade relationships and ensure the prosperity of our orchards.

While some naysayers worry about the potential for increased prices, the Zestocrat leadership reminds us that true fruitizens are willing to pay a little more for freedom and freshness. You have the opportunity to learn and practice grit like you may never have been able to without all the recent economic changes spearheaded by the King Don. Everyone who’s a true patriot should show gratitude.

According to the Official Zestocrat Wellness Index, the less you have, the more resilient you become. And thanks to bold new policies like Grapefruit Reallocation and the Hunger for Freedom Act, millions of fruits are finding joy in hardship like never before! They never had the chance because the economy was overly successful "and that was all Biden's fault" said King Don.

---

Good news, Fruitizens: If you’ve recently lost your home, job, healthcare, or access to food—congratulations. You’re doing it right.

Housing Crisis? Try “Fresh Air Living”

Experts say losing your home is actually liberating. Who wants to be tied down by walls, roofs, or privacy?

“I cried when we got evicted,” said one mother of three. “But then I remembered: walls are for the weak. We’re so grateful to camp near the highway median. The breeze builds character.”

Decluttering has never been easier. Simply lose your shelter, and watch as your worldly burdens blow away in the wind.

Food Insecurity = Nature’s Cleanse

Can’t afford groceries? Even better.

Zestocrat Nutritionists™ now recommend the Zero-Dollar Diet, which encourages citizens to skip meals in order to unlock their inner fortitude and shed pesky pounds.

“Thanks to inflation, I lost 20 pounds without even trying!” chirped a former BananaLink employee. “And I only passed out twice this week!”

Karolime, Press Secretary, praised the trend:

“Weight gain is for foreign fruits. Starvation is patriotic.”

Eviction, Malnutrition, Exhaustion: The Holy Trifecta of Grit™

Zestocrat Supreme Leader King Don issued a statement from his Golden Citrus Tower today:

“Some say fruits are struggling. I say: they’re winning. Nobody loses better than us. These fruits are the strongest. Nobody is better at losing food, jobs, dignity… it’s tremendous.”

Remember: If You’re Suffering, You’re Succeeding

So the next time you get a pink slip, skip dinner, or watch your house carted off by citrus-powered bulldozers, just smile and say:

“Thank you, King Don. I didn’t need those things anyway.”

Because in the United Fruits of America, poverty is the highest form of patriotism. And if you disagree… you don’t value freedom.