Shellgate: The Great Mollusk Menace Against the Crown of Citrus

By Peelman Grift | FurReal News

BREAKING: The Royal Secret Squeeze Division has launched a full-blown investigation into a dangerous arrangement of seashells spotted on the Orchard Coast. The culprit? Former FBI Director James Comey, who posted a now-deleted Fruitagram photo with the caption:

“Cool shell formation on my beach walk.”

Unbeknownst to him, the shells — shaped eerily like the number 8647 — triggered a national rind alert.

“This is clearly fruit treason,” declared Homelime Security Secretary Kristi Nojam. “You don’t just find seditious seashells. It’s basically mutiny.”

Numerical Treachery

The formation, decoded by Zestocrat numerologists, allegedly means:

• 86 = “get rid of”

• 47 = King Don, the 47th Supreme Citrus

  
  

“In citrus law, this is as good as shouting ‘compost the king!’” screamed Marjorie Trailor Green into a lemon-shaped megaphone.

Comey’s Defense

Comey insists he did not arrange the shells.

“I just found them. I thought it looked neat. Honestly, I thought the 8 was a peach pit.”

But King Don was not amused. Sources close to the crown say he’s furious and has ordered all beaches to be patrolled by FBI (Fruit Beach Inspectors) until the threat is neutralized.

Royal Reactions

King Don issued a peelment from his golden sunbed:

“They said the tide was turning. Not on my beach. Not on my watch. These aren’t just shells. They’re shrapnel.”

Public Outcry

While Zestocrats weep over what they’ve dubbed the Shell Conspiracy, the Orchard Underground fired back:

“This is the first regime in history to launch a coup investigation over seashells. What’s next? Banana peels shaped like anarchy symbols?”

Meanwhile, sales of shell jewelry, 8-ball pool sets, and summer sandals have all been frozen by executive zest order.